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Things have been off with
Cherish and I for weeks.

Shit started going absolutely sideways, last Friday.

We haven't had a normal conversation, since. Every time we talk now, sparks fly. Sure, sometimes we'll get by after. I'm starting to feel almost Luke-esque about how we both get irked and explode.

I've been thinking a lot about this friendship, lately. I'm having a rollercoaster ride debating about what to do. Should we go our separate ways, or is this a rough patch? I'm strained, at best.

I blocked her on most of the IM accounts, leaving FB alone on the off-chance that she needs something.

This whole thing has me questioning what the hell is going down. Have I become a raging asshole; have I always been such a crappy friend to her? Is she going insane? Am I? It's kind of shitty when both people involved are in the schizo range, so it's not like we can peg the one without looking at the other.

I'm scared. If I'm the one screwing up her life, then I need serious help. She's spent the last two weeks telling me horror tales about my treatment of her. Some of this is a little unrelated, coming from 2006. Cherish and Luke pull out old stuff like that, in their fights. I've gone over my 2006-ness with her; it's hard for me to spend the rest of my life repenting for my mental breakdown, and the abuses I handed out during. I can't hurt every day like it was fresh, despite how Cherish seemed to expect me to.

Maybe that's the main issue with those two; they can't let anything go. Cherish at one point outright blamed me for her shyness with writing, citing an incident where I reamed her out for "pranking" me with a story plagiarizing Cruel Intentions. Hell. I liked the story, I was just mad that she'd lied about it being hers. I admit, that for a long time after, I was suspicious of the originality of her work. I think that'd be a natural reaction for a 16-year old to have when something like that goes down.

Cherish's adult work isn't about plagiarism, it's about inspirations-from or incorporations-of multiple things. I find this to be a sticky subject between her and I. She thinks I consider this more plagiarism/blame her for not being 100% original. I hate this subject a lot.

Sometimes I hate dealing with creative people. We're touchy. We want to be the best of the best, and when we're taken down, it takes forever to recover.

Cherish blames her lack of exposure on me, citing me as the reason she doesn't show people things. I don't get it. Everyone else loves her shit to death -- you'd think this would help. I usually point out things that I dislike, it's true.. but it's not in the spirit of superiority. When she showed me things in 2006, they weren't coherent. I badly explained that, apparently. I've said for about 2 years straight that things make sense again, and I try to encourage her to finish projects.

I feel like a bit of an asshole, when she tells me I'm so much more 'successful.' Yeah, I wrote 6 ebooks; no one read them.

Cherish has more pressure to succeed than I do; she had a lifetime of people telling her to be better, faster, more.

I feel more like an asshole when we talk about this underlying competitive spirit Cherish and I have towards each other. Cherish has the astrological, clairvoyant, birth history stuff to be the one who succeeds; she seems too worried about handling the attention to actually produce things publicly. I'm the one with the crappy social standing/likeliness for failure, but I still pump out crap publicly because I'm dying to make a break.

Maybe it's a thing. Cherish was expected to succeed -- she prefers the obscurity of not producing; I was expected to fail, with the added pressure of being told I was good enough to try harder.

Is it an upbringing thing? Cherish had a kind of messianic childhood -- something right out of her rock star books. I had a conflicting childhood, full of things I took too personally.

I think Cherish was a prodigy, and I wanted to be one.

Hell; even I expect Cherish to rise up and overshadow me. I've spent my entire after-adolescent life expecting this. In some points I resent her lack of action, because I fight so hard for mine. Yes, I hate hearing about her visions of the future, because I end up as some kind of lackey. It's not an issue of effort and karma. I just wanted some equal level of personal success. I don't want to ride her coattails.

She treats it kind of as a feud, when we get down to this subject.

This last while makes me think of Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. A lot. Cherish and I used to talk constantly, but we seem to miss major points about each other's personalities.'

I'm scared of the way I perceive Cherish's perception of me. I think this is sort off. I'm scared of this resentment I seem to feel from her. I'm scared that she's pigeon-holed me the same way her astrology books have. Is she wrong?

The thing with the by-the-book version of me is that when it's talked about, the person sounds unworthy of life. I definitely sound unworthy of Cherish's friendship, in the way she sees me.

The subject in whole bothers me a lot.

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