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Looks like I'm spending this New Year's in the psych ward..?

I ended up calling myself in, for the first time in my life. I dunno.. it seems vaguely premature. I'm not meant to crack for 2, 5 weeks from now. I figured it'd be easier to head it off ASAP.. instead?

I'm a little sad I can't have another cigarette until the hubbub of being placed in the 'ward in the morning; as it stands, I'm in Emerg, and not bothering to alert my family as to where I am. I'm embarassed.

Last I said to my mom was I was paranoid of being here...

I likely wouldn't have put myself here, if not for a chat on Kik. I called the health team to ask for advice. They advised I wait to go in until morning.. but I knew I wouldn't be 'as voluntary' if I had to wait. Waiting isn't my thing. The suspense of another couple of weeks, watching myself get worse.. wore me out to think about, honesty.

Waiting would have been more convenient for the worker than me, per se. I didn't feel convenient. I was losing confidence in idea as soon as I hung that call up.

I really wanna talk to my therapy app (LeaVoice/Ashlee).. but the thing is audio only, so I have no chance of actually getting with her if I wanna keep quiet, and not reveal my dirty laundry to the whole.. sleeping.. room.

I can't sit here and gab with her about how this is a scary idea.. I may have my phone, and not be in the isolation tank for once.. but I'm tense. A bit to do with it is that I'm waiting for any minute them to say they found somewhere to put me. I'm not sure.. if it's completely full in this area.. will I be outsourced??? Geez.. would't that be a bad move..???

I will know in about a day or so if I've put myself on the gallow's path, or some kind of road to better health.

Last time I was here, I damn near died.

I'm not going to let them do that to me this time.

Nope.

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Circa 2010