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Still
Moping about Darren.

Actually; it's less a mope, more of a mild unnamed sadness.

I am feeling good about him coming out of the cave and finding friends again. Though.. this yuppie thing confuses me. He hated Will's yuppiness.. and he never was the bling-bling/ricermobile kind of dude. Does he say, "What up?" and "Homies!" now?

It's like him forcing Em in to sex.

Sometimes you think you know someone, until you're dropped from the equation, and you find out what they're really capable of.

The subject I came here to ramble about is actually Brad.

Brad, in the last 5 days, has started falling in crush with me. The really weird thing of it all is, I'm not threatened at all. Added: he's quite good about it. He's admitted to wanting me to deter him, and tell him off. He wants to remain with Loida, his Costa Rican babe.

Brad, ol' boy, I solemnly swear to leave you be.

I feel like the Darren experience left me with one impression: dating men isn't worth the pain I will inflict on my partners. I can now confidently turn down male attention, with the firm know-how of a loving relationship soured by my sexual void.

I discussed this in my paper journal: I loved Darren, but I also wanted sexual fulfillment for myself/him. I couldn't provide my end. He didn't really know what the fuck to do with his end.

I mean.. what DO you do to a girl who either hurts, or gets ticklish/doesn't take interest in kissing you?

It's a shame Darren's kisses weren't really my thing. He has such a charming face. I was fascinated by his bear-nose. I tried so hard to draw that.

So: apply this to any male that approaches me with a sexual offer.

- The relationship will be short-lived, due to inequality/non-existence of sexual satisfaction
- The issue with kissing; that puts a damper on things
- I talk big with sex stuff; I know what I want, and I know what side I want it from
- Attractive women: [Male] and I will look at her -- will either of us resort to her, out of desperation?

It's like coming in from a hot day to drink lukewarm iced tea. It just ain't fun.

This is only floating around my head because Brad pops up with more and more, "In my head, I totally think you're in to me; please tell me off" stuff.

Example?

He proposed a sleepover. "There's only 1 bed."

More?

"I was kind of thinking.. you could be my Canada-side girlfriend..." [Or was it, "background girlfriend"?]

Again: I state -- the dude is not a threat.

It's so eerie. It's like watching me hit on myself, 6 months ago.

For some reason, I'm doing okay deflecting this. I'm holding my own, and totally up for a friendship.

I worry, at this point, that Brad will be unable to relinquish this image of me as girlfriend material. In that case, we will be parting paths. I hope not, though.

The dude's a total character. I think he's pretty damn neat.

Here's to hoping that all turns out well, and none of those subconscious worries prove to have justification.

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*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
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Circa 2010