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Enough about
The random sex-change idea.

I'm debating it like fuck. That's all I'll say.

Or, should I really be venting about this?

I left a note for Vine; he might get back to me on the whole subject at hand. I feel I'm imposing, asking him about how he deals with it.

I think a few things that prevent me from feeling serious today are:
- I never tried hard enough to appear male
--- Wearing male clothes doesn't count; I never asked to be called male
- I've never actively pretended to be male online; everyone assumes I am, but I always correct them
- How badly do I really want to be a guy?? I mean, I hate being a girl; HOW BADLY DO I WANT IT?
- I am a total chickenshit; I phoned my grandma, she said my name in conversation.. it occurred to me, she will never call me by a male name
- My family will probably disown me; for most people, this is sad, but manageable. I have breakdowns too often to rely on my own wits
- Wanting to be male is more of a daydream; can I commit to it?
- Do I really want to lose my boobs (even though they look alien on me)? They are.. moob-like quality aside.. kind of nice. (Just, not on me?) Maybe I can donate my titties to someone nice.

The list could go on.

I kind of hope talking to Vine will help me decide what direction to go.

I think that this won't be an immediate process, if at all. I think I'll be tossing all my lady clothes (or packing them away, saving for family dinners, and the like). I'll probably get EVEN SHORTER HAIR; though, I like the idea of this cut with a beard. Very.. 90s comedian. I like that, very much. Yesss.

I keep thinking, "Damn, I wish I could use my male name; [CWW] sounds fuckin' cool. It's a waste." I've sort of mulled it over, and decided that if I get over this "Let's Go Male" adventure.. I will use the name, altered, in some epic story. I'm still miffed that I don't get to introduce myself with that name.

My name has never felt like it belonged to me. It's nice (now that I've stopped hating it), but it's like my tits. I wish I had a girlfriend with my name, and tits, or something, so I could appreciate them from a slight distance.

I used to cringe when kids would make fun of me. Usually about the being a girl part. I resented that. I didn't want to be a girl; even in high school, I assumed that somehow, I would grow to be accepted like a man; if only in literary thrust.

I don't talk like a girl. My euphemisms, my mannerisms.. are mostly masculine; my female friends acknowledge this. A few of my gay male friends do, too. It's mostly my straight male friends who see in to the female in me. Or, so they claim.

My male friends will most likely never accept me in to their fold.

I'll always be a sissy little girl to them.

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*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010