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Two parter:
1. My Day with Caesar; 2. Masculinity & Me

1.
Caesar picked me up in the afternoon. The plan was laundry; I stayed for dinner and a few movies. Caesar located a set of weights I asked for. What makes this occasion memorable is: he kept touching parts of my body (shoulders, belly) during a conversation about exercise; he asked about the mechanics of lesbian sex, and revealed his fantasy of being with two women at once ("I don't think Mom would go for that; she'd probably think of that as cheating.."); he ran up at the end and kissed my cheek.

With the last one, he said, "Now, that doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it!" "It actually does." "Naww! You like it."

I forgot to wash my face when I got in.

I was preoccupied with the idea of getting to "I". Update on that front: Lev wants to host a website for it. He read 2, or so, and decided it was worthy. This came out of a talk about needing money, and what skills we had. My only issue is that Lev wants to turn "I" in to an adventure story -- or, generally, conform to more webcomic-like plot formulas. Cameos. So on. What I failed to communicate that time was: "'I' is an agoraphobic schizophrenic.. sitting alone in his house most times." "I" is not an adventurer. He's nuts.

Bookstore Kyle showed me Johnny the Homicidal Maniac today; apparently I'm not the first to pull this plot. I kind of like Johnny's take on the idea. Mine is a little more like explaining my take on my issues.. less about fictional function.

"It's like Garfield," B-K said about "I" being an indoor creature.

So: I tell Lev that the story is like Garfield and Johnny THM.

2.
I've brought up the gender thing with a few people; usually, female latch on to this as a good thing. Males challenge my masculinity -- Joe aside.

I came up with an explanation that covers me, for my manhood potentiality: every man is a different man; what makes one guy himself is never the same as any other. I can damn well be a sissy, knitting, jackass bastard.

Shit, goddamn, I may be a man!

Now, if only Vine would get back to me, so we can talk transition points.

I'm feeling somehow more sure of myself, after talking to B-K. He's a damn good guy to tell things to; he listens, and offers ideas. Issue is, I overload the guy with shit at times. We discussed the gender-bending thing at length. Since I mentioned the masculinity challenge from my friends, he also asked me about it.

There's lots of little things that make me feel manly.

- I hate female clothing, most times, unless it's a little manly
- I feel comforted by the idea of growing facial hair
- I was dismayed as fuck that I wasn't intersexed (damn dainty labia...)
- I'm interested in stuff directed at a male audience
- I always wanted to be a guy
- I'm male in most of my dreams; had a lot of dreams about jacking off, lately
- I've come to a conclusion that I want a male torso; pecs, abs.. so on

Things that make me feel girly:

- I wore dresses on/off for years
- I had long hair for most of my life
- I have a lot of little nervous tics: picking at my nails, cracking my neck, cracking my fingers/wrists; I get really manic when people are making me nervous or uncomfortable
- I get cornered easily by jackasses and their mindgames; I keep trying to work my way around them, instead of
ejecting them from my life
- I have a sissy perspective on a lot of things (ie: beat the stalker with a frying pan)
- I want to keep my vagina

Edit, 2:37 PM -- Stalker called. I guess this shit ain't over.

You Missed:

*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010