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Apparently,
I'm depressed right now.

All's quiet in my head, until I start talking. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't call Anni.

Coffee isn't blocking the mood; all that's going on is I have the energy to vent it expressively.

I'm so sick of being a depressive twit. C'mon, life isn't that hard for me, right? What's there to be depressed about, besides the fact that my life is on hiatus? It's like being mental all over again.. without the interesting bits to divulge.

This is the time where I think of stimulants. Coffee -- espresso, at that -- is just making me an animated whiner. Would something harder make me happier? Red Bull? Cocaine?

I don't get paid for 2 weeks, so I guess I'm stuck experimenting with coffee. I've had enough to make me quiver, but all I'm doing is reminiscing and bitching.

Well, what else am I good for?

I can't even knit lately. I pick up the needles, make a face, and plop them back down. I'm watching my shows without tactile distraction, and I'm getting sick of it being that way.

Without knitting and shows.. what the fuck will I do all day?

Sometimes I'm blown away with my life when I actually sit down and explain how I spend my time. I'm perpetually guilty that I'm so bland. I can't play the guitar today until the shakes go away. I can't sing because I feel kind of high. I have nothing I want to sing just now, anyway.

Japanese? Well, I just stare at the textbook as I do every other pastime I have here. I can't find a willing participant to swap roomaji; the two I'd kind of found have either missed the connection, or have turned in to a religious knob. The religious guy had such promise, too -- a writer, an artist, self-taught. The downfall? I mentioned I was gay; suddenly off goes the topic in to a rant about Jesus Is Lord (And Gays are Fucked -- YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?). I love how the end of the emails have little blurbs about Japanese. "JESUSJESUSJESUS; by the way, swearing is considered pointless in polite company in Japan."

The thing is, this guy would be rather charming, if not for his rambles about Jesus. Admittedly, it was interesting at first. Now? Now, it's kind of a distraction.

I can never find Jesus-types that will ease me in to their book without first scaring me the fuck off.

I need to get all my holy books out of storage.

I need to become a reader again; I always regret that I've lapsed in to a TV zombie. I miss learning random shit.

I can't even stick with books that interest me. I'm a month in to 90 pages of a 400-pg book. I used to "eat" my way through books in a couple of hours. Whatever happened to that version of me?

I feel like all the books here are like little ghostly urges, reminding me that I'm not supposed to be such a lame little drone.

Is it you, Internet? Are you killing my want for stable text tales?

Or is it my fault, for not forcing myself in to it more often? Shouldn't reading be fun? Desired in more than a wistful longing?

Must be another no-reading phase, hm?

I'm so behind with everything.

You Missed:

*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010