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I'm fixated on the
Idea of Big D.

I bet it's because in about 10 days, we're coming up on the first year anniversary of him ignoring my stupid ass.

I'm sick of you, Big D -- can't you get stuck in someone else's head? Can't I move on?

Maybe it's because people keep reminding me of him. Every conversation seems to dredge up some stupid memory. I'm stuck in the past, and I'm not even dating someone new this time.

I pretended he died, once. He'd crossed a sacred line; he'd committed a vile treachery. Forget all the stuff he said about me; all that came to mind was him forcing his best friend in to sex. Her description matched my final memories, but, it clashed with the overall impression I held. I wanted the old him back -- that scruffy badass, with a heart of gold.

I held myself responsible for that decline in character.

Now? I think the nice guy stuff was just a phase. He was a womanizing dirtbag all along.

Inside?

All I dream about is this nice, gentle giant guy. I don't know why he never appears in my dreams as a raging evil-doer. Maybe I just can't see him like that.

Internally?

I hate myself for not letting his memory just fucking die. I want him to go away; stop haunting my dreams.

I just want to move on -- as I keep thinking I have, every couple of months.

Can't I give up all the feelings I have? The love, the hate -- that I feel for both of our roles back then?

It doesn't comfort me to hear that he's still cursing my name. It wouldn't comfort me to hear he's moved on.

In my dreams, we're just friends. In real life, I found another guy just like him, once. That guy jerked me around, and made me feel like shit, too.

You know what I want? Not to be tempted to hug every fat guy with a passing resemblance to Big D; it would be even better if none of these characters wore his deodorant. I'd like not to be suckered.. to be lulled.. in to hugging them; I can't look for something that was never a good thing in the first place.

Fucking fat guys. Why do you all hug me like I'm some daughter of yours? Why do I feel compelled to fall asleep in those arms? What the fuck was wrong with me as a kid -- why didn't I just hug my parents once in a while?

Why did I have to be so strong as a kid, and such a blithering baby now..?

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*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010