Navigation

* Profile
* New
* Old
* First
* Random

Credit

* Host
* Design

So --
Looking over members with new entries.

I got about 3 in, and decided that ol' D-land is a major hotspot for depression these days. Being that I've been a semi-permanent member since 2003, or whatever, somehow this seems fitting. I'm depressed, too, chums.

I'm depressed in a way that still leads me to think it's just me being a pussy bitch. I'm not suicidal -- that especially separates me in my mind as being different than the norm. I'm that kind of depressed that usually ends up being fitting for an extreme mental patient; sitting home, smoking in bed all day -- is that what awaits?

I'm reading the posters in the Mental Health government outlet every time I go in. They always tell me "Recovery is possible -- and EXPECTED in most cases". So.. these poster people sound like they were a little more extreme cases; I had a relatively minor mental break from reality -- 3 years ago -- why am I still in pieces? What happened to me making my recovery? The GP doctor and I have been busting our asses on the medication end of things. My shrink is useless about the therapy spectrum. There's only so much that Dr Y (GP) can pull out of his ass. Why is Dr P (shrink) sitting on the sidelines, idling over the diagnosis? Good fucking question; if I find an answer, I will goddamn well post it.

I usually try to find a purpose for my online journals. Will we need one here? Can this be my general rant-zone outside of my social contacts? Is that a safe option? One nagging paranoia that haunts me, regardless of meds, is the idea of becoming quasi-famous. I'm in a point of things where "I" sounds like a for-sure success for picking up a little following. The 4-5 people who've beta read (except the one guy) usually ask me if I have new "I"s. Sarah especially asks about it. Cherish was pretty amused by the 19 I had done. I have another one on the go, but, coffee being the destabilize-r of hands that it is, and coffee being what makes me get off the couch.. we has thar some challenge.

But, and I hate to -- I digress. We're wandering from the point at hand: journal. I guess we'll just play it by ear.

I'm already settling in to this one. I think that if one looks back at my track record of online bullshit, I will probably post shit on here like a goddamn maniac for a while. (All the better for lazy lookie-loos?)

I guess that my presumption so far is that this will be a sidebar to "I"'s version of rant-therapy. It was pretty good, last successful journal, to have 60+ random strangers tuning in; somehow, when there's no connection guiding their judgment, people tend to like me better. In text, usually I'm somehow more controlled than in life. Maybe it's because I can put my little "NO" tag somewhere, to remind me: "don't be a dumbass, don't say weird shit".

That's what I need in life. Some kind of mental pause, to stop the flow of inane nonsense that spews forth; when I'm nervous, I rant like a motherfucker. I rant, and I can't stop. Silence on the other end of the conversation increases the intensity of the agitation. This is a major part of why I'm scared all to fuck to talk to my dad; he provokes the ranting. Mom? Mom seems to render me to tears. Not intentionally, mind you; somehow, talking to her, hearing that backed-up unsaid concern.. makes me explode.

I suspect they're doing what I'm doing: avoidance. I'm conflicted by wanting to be who I used to, so they'd like me.. and tearing the Old Me to shreds for being a raging, evil cunt. I miss my family, and I miss feeling that they had any respect left for me. (It's not that I'm a delinquent; my idea of an exciting night is washing Sarah's dishes before going for a swim.)

I miss the old feeling of superiority. I miss the confidence that came with. I'm terribly lost. I miss feeling that old arrogant assumption that I would rival Stephen King and Agatha Christie in book-printing. Goddamn -- that was silly! Now, I'm not even sure publishing is at all in my future; short stories are all that come out.

Books are dying out. And, there will be no successful rekindling of text via electronic readers. Literacy is teetering upon extinction as a necessary force. I suspect that one day "lol" will be an acceptable answer on a government test, or as a part on a resum�.

I had a moment once, where I imagined being able to download a year's worth of A&E programming. A whole year of a select channel, the way we do TV series. Watch out -- it may happen yet.

Rant-ity, rant-rant.

You Missed:

*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

Backlog:

Circa 2010