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Today
Was interesting as fuck.

Today had the potential to go horribly awry: a crowd of people I'm on social bad terms with.

I did really well. I'm really surprised. But, I can actually say that the power of sleepiness kept me from wrecking the day.

The crowd: the kid who sexually abused me at 9, his mom, a dramatic girl from school, a girl who tried to take my boyfriend in school, a family friend who irks me, a friend who intimidates me; potentially, we should have had family coming, too, but maybe we lucked out that they didn't bother.

I wasn't aware, at the time, that on a normal day, I would have upset all of the people who went. This was a crowd of people I normally piss off. This day had the intersocial potential of being a total shitfest. (I'm not alone in this.)

This was my nephew's first birthday; despite everyone coming normally clashing, everyone -- not just me -- were on their best behavior.

Of course, when I got to Mom's, I loaded up on coffee, and promptly loosened up in to a rambling state.

When I ramble, I'm introspective. Usually about the same areas of my life: the jobs, the relationships, the financial situation, my pre-/post-2006 life.

I'd thought I'd lost this compulsive Bridget-Jonesery. Turns out 3 things still bring this out: perceptive company, sleep-dep, and coffee.

Instead of monologuing to family, or Ward, or Jay, I should totally load up on coffee, and see a councellor. I'd get the same emotional payout/advancement, without pissing off people for free.

Either that, or I should get back in to journalling.

I've mentioned this before: I treat my journals differently. My internet journals take on this jovial tone, versus my paper ones are where I vent my emo angst with self-pity.

I've had a couple of revelations lately: Ward reminded me of my conclusion about my addiction to hugging fat guys. Does anyone remember that? It was about not being nurtured as a kid, and therefore being reduced to a childlike state when getting physical nurture. Basically, this means that I should be glad I no longer have any male friends who are 6 feet tall, and 150lbs overweight.

I worry about things with Ward, because I get addicted to reports from perceptive people. Ward's been catching me repeating phrases/being argumentative when I'm actually agreeing with him. I also get confused sometimes, with his descriptions of things.

I had that issue with Jay, where I'd ask him to tell me how I was doing. Remember, I turned him in to a therapist? I was sort of worried that I'll end up monologuing to Ward, expecting therapeutic results.

I need to redevelop perception skills.

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Circa 2010