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People mean well
When they wish me a new girlfriend.

I keep thinking that in my state, I'm more apt to scare her away.

Yeah; people miss out on the part about sex not being my lord and master, in terms of motivation. All 3 of my psychiatric meds are known to suppress sexual desire.

I haven't really had a sex drive since high school.

I don't miss it, until I date someone. I keep bringing up Big-D to people. I reminisce about him now, in that inevitable way: I'm idealizing, or glossing over things, because their memories have lost all their edges. I'm left with this drippy-faced mope, a wistful reconstruction of his voice. I see a picture of him, and I keep realizing that I can't remember what he looks like on my own, anymore.

I can't imagine meeting someone new. Someone attractive, at that. Sexually, that is. What would I be like, if I didn't resent partner-sex so much? If actually wanted it, ever? Often?

I sort of feel stranded, being virtually sexless.

I joked with Jay about the Bill Hicks conundrum I discovered: how can someone so repressed dare to think she identifies at all with Bill Hicks? Even he seemed to think that was a good musing.

Is it really just me, or are men a lot more randy than women? I was starting to think that was a myth, until lately. I mean, I know I'm pretty manly.. but my libido is pretty laughable.

I keep sort of thinking back to high school, when K would walk by. About how utterly in lust I was with her. That warm rush of hormones. Totally un-consummated. Will I ever feel that "in to it" ever again? I sort of would get a hint of that with Sarah, a few months back. The little crotch-tinglies. I like that flush-face/gaspy kind of turn-on. The kind where it's all about the foreplay; sex is more an afterthought to me, anyway. Give me a good ol' body-flush.

What I need is a gal who will take things slow, and not demand my poon every day. Either that, or I need to find someone who actually evokes sexual interest for me. Keep in mind, K and Sarah are the only people I've had enduring sexual feelings for. Emi I had like a month-long infatuation, resulting mostly in my verbal incompetency, luring/abrupt order to cease wooing, and a fallout over drugs. The hermaphrodite? Well, I thought she was sexy for about 30 minutes, all of which were from a darkly-lit webcam. Yee-haw!

My dream-gal would probably be a smoking-smart curly brunette. Or, if possible, a sexy redhead -- sans stereotypical attitude flaws. It would be neat to meet someone whose interests paralleled mine a little: creativity, literacy, comedy.

I love my little shopping list of wishes in a lady. I have really oddball hopes for a future girlfriend. The oddest probably being them being able to find me attractive, despite my fucking nutto personality. My friends and family find me obnoxious and chatty. Who wouldn't?

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Circa 2010