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This is
8 days later.

Things haven't really progressed.

The Jay thing seems awkward still, but more manageable. I feel all well and sane, until I discuss things with people. Then, suddenly I realize how much this bothers me. Am I nuts, trying to forage a friendship? Will this backfire on me, somehow?

This time wasn't all chuckles. Most of it was mellow. He hadn't slept much last night, so he was pretty quiet.

My Bill Hicks book came in -- that made my day. I won't be able to pay for it for a few weeks. (C'mon, it's $40 for a paperback; 2 weeks of waiting is acceptable.) Jay seemed to be intrigued by it, too. I'm hoping it won't disappoint.

I must have been doing well, today. Jay offered me a granola bar, when I'd said I was going home to eat. So -- we're still on good terms, in terms of him liking my company. He made a little jab about, "Yeah, but you don't like men," re: a book called "Why Men Love Bitches". Seemed mostly innocent.

I could never explain to Jay why I can dig sexual banter with Dylan. Dylan's about as sexual as a stump. When he jokes of sending me socks as a love-present (for being "[Lambert]: the bearded lady"), and I shoot back, "Allow me the honor of sending you some floral granny panties in return.." -- there is no intent there.

If I had a conversation like that with Jay, he might actually take me seriously.

It's a dangerous game, banter.

Either it's all fun, or someone wants their dick in your orifice.

In other news --

- Stayed at Mom's Fri-Tues; that was wearying; coming home to a bagged apartment was nerve-wracking
- Got too nervous about the job thing; didn't go
- Pussied out on checking the art club; may need to enlist some company before I go in
- Tried to entice company over with soup; made shitty powder-based soup when no one came -- regret using my zucchini in that
- Phoned around; rambled at Grandma a lot (and will probably accredit that to the caffeine headache)

Maybe it's because I'm nervous/bored. Maybe that's why I'm so discontent. I want out, but I'm scared. I'm scared of getting a job. I haven't had one in over a year, this time. Ah, but that's usual.

I want to work on stuff.

I want to finish stuff.

I just can't resist the fucking computer. I am but a slave...

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Circa 2010