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I'm falling
In to another depression.

Son of a bitch. Fuck.

It's like this:

Jay was my last little outreach to a male figure. Yesterday, he confirmed my paranoias by saying, "I've been hitting on you."

Dude? Not cool.

I came home from that, and fritzed the fuck out. Jay, the married bookstore guy; Jay, my semi-councellor; Jay, the buddy who doesn't bullshit me. The marker of my sanity. The safe point for my ability to get outside alone. Someone to look up to, and admire.

Not anymore.

I'm still fritzing. I'm in a point of despair that I've gone beyond the in initial breakdown/meltdown/panic attack. I'm in the "sleep for 16 hours a day, and wake up miserable" zone.

Tick, tick, tick. Hear them wheels a-turning.

Jay -- the married guy, the guy who always praises his wife.

Jay, the insta-Dad around little kids.

You know me -- I instantly fear that Jay must be a pervert, if he's looking my way. I don't like to worry about that. I also don't like the mental weight of realizing that Jay might actually have considered me as a sexual partner, despite my continual demonstration of dislike for man-bits.

Am I taking this too far? Is a confession of dialogue really a confession of intent?

Even Sarah seems to figure I have a reason to be this horrified. She's disappointed in Jay for breaching my trust, intent or no.

My gay-councellor figures he should have been able to see that I find sexual comments directed at me unbearable. I do too -- he's normally so good with body language. The thing is? My mind is still trying to reject this, in whole.

"No -- he's never gotten really graphic, it's been more like, 'If I was single/10 years younger, I'd give you a go'; it's not a frequent thing."

"Crap -- is he wearing Old Spice these days?"

"Motherfucker.. is that why he stands so close to me, sometimes?"

"Head -- oh, my weary head; this is JAY! He's a good guy -- he'd never cheat on his wife! You're taking this too far!!"

"Is he a good guy? Are all males really douches? Are there ANY decent men??"

"Why.. why do I want to be a guy-like girl, if all I know is betrayal and disturbance from the males I know?"

"FUCKING HELL. I WILL NEVER TELL A MAN DETAILS OF MY SEX LIFE AGAIN."

"Fuuuck. Is he trying to pull a White Knight thing? Are all men attracted to damaged females? Do they long to nurse them to health.. then fuck our brains out -- sex captives? Keep them at home, fuck 'em after work?"

"NOT ALL MEN ARE EVIL SEX-DRIVEN MANIACS, RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT?"

"Man. My life fucking blows."

"It never ends..."

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*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010