Navigation

* Profile
* New
* Old
* First
* Random

Credit

* Host
* Design

Something about Cherish
Makes me uber pissy.

I guess it's like the Mac thing; some things just irrationally make me irritable.

I could have sworn Cherish was skipping her meds. She took up pot for sleeping -- which seems to be ineffective, seeing as she's still sleeping erratically. Added, the pot makes her a little crazy, she said once.

I'll never understand the link between failed self-medicating + insanity + abuse + persistence of problematic behavior. Pot makes her crazy; Seroquel makes her sleep. She's not sleeping, smoking pot, and chasing it with Red Bull.

And she wonders why I have no faith in her management plans.

Is that a horrible thing to say of a friend?

Me? Well. I'm slightly more organized. I get panic attacks when I don't take my meds, for fear of an unrepairable relapse. Wtf is my deal, hm? I'm the sanest mental patient, aside from that girl I dated last year, that I know.

I:

- Take my meds regularly
- Usually try to heed a sleep schedule
- Have a deep-seated fear of my insanity
- Hate recovery cycles enough to avoid deviating from my routines
- Have worked rather hard to regain ground with my mental state

Maybe I'm not crazy enough to lapse willingly. I honestly hated my time in breakdown mode. So much so that I get utterly freaked at the littlest sign of heading that way again.

But Cherish? For some reason, being crazy only bothers her if people make fun of her for it. She's a-ok with talking to the voices, becoming a flat personality, tripping balls.

Or, is she like Anni, telling you the version of the story she thinks you'll like?

With Cherish, she'll only admit to relapse after she starts recovering. She's irritated now that I mentioned the idea of suspecting her going off her meds again.

I have my suspicions. Regardless of denial on her end.

She's:

- Barely forming sentences
- Repeating herself
- Avoiding hygiene
- Falling out of her diet
- Purposely invoking sleep-dep

Maybe I'm coming to conclusions too quickly. Still, I feel it like a miasma. She's growing distant, unresponsive.

I want to discuss it with Lev.. but, with all the shit he's going through, I really don't want to bother him. As things stand, it almost seems like he's talking to me more than her at the moment. Or, that's how it seems.

Eegah.

I feel kind of scattered. This must be my depression night for the week-cycle.

Today seemed decent. Shit got done. I still feel disappointed. Even this spiffy new haircut (fuckin' A, found a decent hairdresser!) doesn't uplift this foggy discontent. I hate not being able to define the cause of my distress.

I kind of want to sit around, holding Little No-No, and telling him a random story. I really want to get on this whole literacy campaign. I bought White Fang from Jay, as a starter. Will Little No-No enjoy action stories, later? Will I make up bedtime stories for him, as I did for my brother? (Knowing me, and my bend for the macabre.. not a good idea?)

I bought my damn lawn chair; I will read in the park.

Recap: I've gotten most of what I wanted this month within days of my paycheck. Leaves me kind of blank, not having any little spending goals to dick with.

It's weird, this feeling of construction and collapse. Things are happening on both ends. I'm left wanting -- stranded, and confused.

I am in serious need of some direction, and purpose. At least with this gender stuff, I'm settling in to a kind of bastardized androgyny. That's all set.

My life gets weirder, and weirder, all the time.

You Missed:

*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

Backlog:

Circa 2010