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I used to really, really feel
I related to Andy Kaufman.

But I'd never seen any of his material.

I saw Man on the Moon, and read a book about him. All the same -- something about the guy called to me. He was a Reactionist, and, back then, I was, too.

I'm sitting here, puzzling something just now: why is everyone lonely? Even the people in relationships?

Leviath says (12:40 AM):
those who have a relationship and still feel lonely are either very long distance or retarded

" Zygote Impersonator says (12:41 AM):
Well, that was poetic.

Leviath says (12:41 AM):
-bows-

Obviously, he ain't the guy to ask.

I wasn't "retarded", being lonely with Big D in my life. I didn't really have any friends -- I was lonely, and he ignored me. (I bet he regrets that one now, as much as I regret the Norwalk night.)

So; why is it we're lonely? We want someone to connect with -- someone to blow our minds with intimacy, and intensity. Or, is it just me? Coming from a lifelong history of rejection or failure, I can see why I'm gasping at the notion of fulfilling conversations. I miss affection on many levels, most persistent, my childish one. I want hugs, motherfuckers.

I fear loneliness; don't we all? I especially fear continued/prolonged loneliness. I'm a real social beast sometimes.

I've been thinking lately -- I'm not attractive. Not on a personality level. I'm far too quirky, and apparently shifting gender identities -- YEAH, WE'RE BACK IN GEAR, FOLKS.

Problem is.. wtf do I call myself?

I kind of sidestepped over the name I had before. Since revealing myself a little in conversation, two weeks back, or so, I've sort of felt a little shy about it.

Am I still gunna be "Cal Willy"? Will I go with "Willy" as a nickname, as a starter?

Sarah said she planned to call me Cal; she hasn't once. I think the novelty wore out fast.

As these sideburns come in, I look a lot more boyish. Hocha.

Mom and Anni are pretty much dismayed. "Plz don't become a drag king, plzzzz.." sums it up.

Still.

How will I ever solve my loneliness, when all I ever do in life is grow more complicated. With passing years, one or more times, I will end up rehashing my Weird, and making it all the more funky.

Well. Gotta get up at 10; looks like it's sleeptime.

Good thinking, pal -- you took a sleeping pill, for once.

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* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
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Circa 2010