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I went to
A Trans-Inclusion workshop.

I sat by a person who appeared as a middle-aged male -- down to having facial hair; this person identified as being between genders, relating a story of avoiding PAP-tests.

Something about this person kind of struck a note in me.

It brings me back to "I want to be a guy".

Do I?

I don't want a dick. I used to love my breasts, but lately, they just seem out of place with what I want for myself. I lean more and more to wanting male clothing. Facial hair. So much so, that I made my comic alter-ego a male.

I think the thing we skimmed over most was what people felt about coming out to their parents/family about being gender-different.

The one topic that really got me, stemming from the person mentioned in the beginning, was, "Why do we have to pick [a gender]?" As in: why do we have to be male, female, or whatever? Why do we have to stay as one thing, for life?

Brings me back to, "Do I want to be male, or am I confused?"

Leads me to, "What if I wanted to go back [to being female]?"

This whole 4 hour discussion had me sidelining internally about all the times I've stared at male chests; the pecs, the hip-to-crotch line. I've always kind of wanted them. But -- I wanted sizable breasts (because mine were nigh non-existent), at one point.

I'm thinking of trying something: going to the gym, and doing that arm exercise that reduces bust-size. If I like the look of myself like that, maybe I may talk to the doctor about hormone therapies.

What would Dr. Y have to say about that?

I wonder, thinking of my 'coming out' as a lesbian, if this would be something he'd talk me out of. He's just lately seeming to understand that I'm not confused about liking women; he wasn't a hard convert, but, I think he kept up asking to see if I would waver. Nowadays, he's supportive. But -- if I said I wanted to be a guy? I've talked about being gender dysphoric. He had the same kind of cautious castoff reaction then, as he did before.

Ah, but to be a male, in form?

I've spent a lifetime tormented by the thought that men succeed in my fields more often than women do. Writing, music, art? I couldn't name 10 women I respect in any of those collected. Is that why I want to be a guy? I doubt it. I just resent being female.

Except for my genitals.

I kind of like my junk. I have dainty labia.

It's just really the tits and head that I'd want to conform to the visual representation of a male. Short hair, and some sort of spiffy facial hair.

I'm blonde, so this could be interesting.

I'm thinking about buying a goatee wig or something. Give it a try. Either that, or, a magic marker. Woo -- artsy. My hair is already pretty short. I have a 80s Business Lady kind of thing going for me. I called it Shitty 80s Diva or something, earlier. All I'm missing is the clunky jewelery and the big hoop earrings.

I always feel kind of bitchy about having a "cute" girl face. As a younger girl, I looked like a pixie, or some other flying midget. Sometimes, I sit in the mirror, and picture the facial hair.

My dad is trying out a version of facial hair that I've wanted for myself. I call it the White Knight Beard. It's the goatee-mustache do. His hair is all white on his face, so it looks really fucking cool. His hair grows too slow, though.

Is it weird to be jealous of your dad's facial hair? I'd think so.

Getting back to the dick stuff -- when I'm around men, I tend to picture them as Ken dolls. If I imagine their junk, I tend to get squeamish. I get a little like that around women. Vaginas can be pretty damn ugly, too. Gaping holes, flapping labia.

Am I asexual?

Not really. I just have a real low interest in it, most times. This makes finding a romantic partner very hard. From online experience, most of the low-sex drive friends I have are very intelligent, and usually somewhat insane.

Let's break this down:
- Gay
- Possibly gender-questioning
- Insane
- Sickly
- Low sex drive

Mmm. Don't I sound like a bundle of fun?

Imagine dating that list. It seems implausibly stupid, and most likely not something for the long-term dreams.

I will find someone.

I know she's out there. Waiting, like I am. We'll meet, and we'll see how shit pans out.

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