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I've put on a
Sports bra.

I feel a little flatter. Makes me feel a little less stressed. Thank the lawd that I happen to have rather small tits to begin with.

To explain: once I vied for tits. Once I got some, I felt euphoric. They got bigger -- I was thrilled. One day, I woke up and realized they didn't belong on my body. Sarah phrased it as, "They'd look better on someone else". I do feel like that, especially today; my tits are attractive, in a useless, almost unwanted way.

I did a few sit-ups; push ups were too hard.

After I'd finished ranting at Lindsay, getting nowhere, I (mentioned this in previous entry) stared at my crying face in the mirror. I'd called Sarah -- getting Aaron first. I survived this portion by stating, "You don't want to know." Normally, I rant at him and feel guilty. Not this time! Sarah promised to come down, ASAP, once Aaron went home.

I retreated to D-land, after a little frantic pacing.

Sarah arrived.

I fumbled my way through my files, looking for the shots of me with a White Knight Beard (wherein I look like Dante off the Silent Bob movies); it took an extended period to locate those silly pictures. Somehow, I thought either she'd laugh, or, this would explain everything.

"You're crying because.. you drew a beard on yourself?"

"I think I'm a guy!"

"Ohhh.. c'mere [gimme a hug]."

I mentioned having only eaten a muffin in the day. She took me up to her apartment, and fed me an egg salad sandwich on panini bread. She listened to my diatribe about never feeling happy as a female.. never fitting in. She agreed, and added that in all the time she's known me, she's seen me as masculine; her first impression of me was that I was a boyish girl, long black hair and all.

It all came out -- the feeling of distance from my fellow Group members [because they don't accept me as questioning my female status], the feeling of never wanting to grow up to be a woman. There were things I never though of. There were a lot of things repeated.

One thing we played at was guessing who would be most horrified: guys who hit on me in school, guys I dated in school, people from my childhood, Big D; my family weighed very little on my mind.

I'm already the weird one; what's one more quirk?

Sigh. The thing that haunts my mind is the troubles that may lie ahead. I'm already weak when it comes to stress. Would transitioning female-to-mostly-male stress me out more.. or give me a little internal calm?

I may go to Group next time sporting an eyeliner beard. As a tester. As a joke?

Maybe I ought to talk to Kah-ri about that beforehand. Maybe.

Another thing that bothers me is what I plan to do: start working out like a mofo. This will reduce my bust size; I will do this before seeing the doctor. If I like the look of Al-Am with pecs and a pelvic line, I will go to Dr. Y, and say, "Lookit: I think I'm a guy. Do you figure I'm a candidate for hormone therapy?"

Yes.

That will work out. I hope.

You Missed:

*DISCLAIMER
* WHO TF IS ALL THIS??!
* INTRO, 2
* NAQ

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Circa 2010