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I figure it works out better than heading to the couch to sleep. I woke up, feeling mostly with-it, at 9. My first move was to phone my parents. Dad was driving; Mom just woke up.

I phoned Linds, too. She'll call me back in the next hour, she said. I sort of woke her up; got her out of bed, anyway.

So far, I feel pretty peppy. Not too much coffee, now: don't want to get the shits, right?

Dad called back; we had a fairly rational conversation -- that always makes me feel better. Dad's the one relative that still makes me nervous about being Crazy. Him'n the wife have it decided between themselves that I'm an amazing actress. Yup; 19+ years of being crazy, gay, and fucking weird. Apparently they'll admit to the notion of me being depressed.

Is crazy, or gay, such a stretch after depression?

Point being! Let's not wander: it was a good conversation. For about the 10th time or so, I invited Lise along for a family event. I think Lise and I question my motives behind this family-friendly attitude I suddenly have. Dad being remarried when I was a shithead 12-or-something-year old.. Lise has horrible memories of me.

And me? Like most things, everything preceding my mental break seems hazy. Lise? She remembers me like I was 12 yesterday. I think it weirds her out a lot to see me as this lobotomized-puppy-person. "Oh, hai, Lise! How are youuuuu?"

I'm taking a consideration to her that hasn't entered my mind until recently. I'm doing stuff that doesn't work because I'm 5-or-more years too late in making amends.

I guess it doesn't help that I fell in to the role of Slut Major in Mexico. I'm still miffed that anyone would think I wanted to sleep with some random Mexican guy. I tend to insist that I was oogling the slutty dancers during his passes. No one really buys this, in Dad's circle. (Is it that hard to buy? I never make sexual comments about men, now do I?)

It's shit like that that bothers me.

I'm not really slutty. I'm not really a sexual being; I'm kind of the antithesis of sex. Why have sex, when you can do other stuff? So on.

Yeah. Being cast as the slutty one seems.. weird? Do people get some kind of sweaty, desperate sex-vibe off me?

Everyone figures -- and I mean everyone -- that sex is somehow incorporated in to my life. Even my close friends rag me for staying abstinent for extended periods of time. If not for the Risp, I would probably have some semblance of a sex life. Knowing my sexual partners of yore, I would just be having a lot more shitty sex.

That sometimes depresses me -- all I ever get is shitty sex. Either due to WHO I fuck, or WHY I'm doing it. 1-night stands have been far less satisfying than those times where I "miss" myself in masturbation. Usually a lot more embarrassing, too. Granted; I've had all of 2 1-nighters. I've fucked 3 people in my entire adult life. Sometimes this seems like a lot; sometimes it seems like the tip of the iceberg.

My current plot is to wait things out until someone good comes along. I'm waiting, I think, for (most likely a) her to come along.

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE WEIRD-ASS SPAM DIARIES, PEOPLE?

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Circa 2010