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One thing that
The NAQ sessions aren't touching:

- My general feeling about my sister.

It's like this: for the last.. what is it now? 3 months? I've known that my younger sister is pregnant.

She's 18, 19 in a few days; I'm 21. I have not been, and probably never will be the bearer of grandchildren in this family. That works with me, it really does. Granted, I never expected my sister to fulfill that role so soon after high school.

You know what keeps going through my mind?

"Is she scared?"

"Is that boyfriend of hers gonna stick around?"

"Will she be able to handle it? I sure as fuck wouldn't!"

I have a whole litany of stupid questions running through my head. For 3-or-whatever months, I've been internally guessing as to my sister's state of mind. I keep getting peevy that she's working her ass off at a job, and her boyfriend can only find minimal hours -- or, at least, that was the situation last I asked.

I've never asked my sister what she thinks will happen. Am I scared to? That could be it. She was depressive as a young teenager. Could birthing/raising a kid make it worse? I hear that sometimes pregnancy balances all those outta-whack hormones. That's what I hope for, instead of some postpartum outbreak of despair.

I seem compelled to remind my sister that she's "still young enough" to "do something" with her life after the kid's a little older. I always think of Cherish's sister, going back to high school to get her grade 12 -- her kids are 2, and 3. Or something.

Maybe Anni will end up liking being a mom. Maybe she would be a really good mom. She seems good with kids. I'm not -- I tend to make them more hyper. I used to really lay down the law, but, since the breakdown, I've sort of lost all those babysitting skills.

How would I fare as an aunt?

I keep telling people I want the kid to call me "Auntie Nutbar". I was going to call it "Homie" because the ultrasound looks like Homer Simpson's mug. Somehow, "Homie" stopped being cute, and started seeming lame.

My dad was trying to draft me in to being a babysitter, for this unborn niece-or-nephew. I'm terrified of babies. They're breakable, leaky, and loud. The crying drives me batshit -- that sound is nails-on-chalkboard to me. How would I fare, as a babysitter? I suspect badly. I have a lot of breakable stuff in my apartment.. breakable, or dangerous; I'm not the sort to get rid of a record player. I'd have to go to her place. That could work. But -- then comes those nuclear waste diapers. I have no idea how long it would take to get used to those fuckers.

If it were up to me.. I would end up trying to potty train Anni's kid ASAP. Solid shits? Time to sit on Big White.

Then comes that phase where the kid wrecks everything, and climbs. Could I handle that?

Methinks maybe I might be sane enough to handle the kid, when they get to that 4-5-year old stage. I should be better, in 5 years, right? I'd better be, if I am to resort to reasoning with a kid.

That makes me wonder -- what kind of mom will Anni be? Will she lay down the law? Will she be intimidated by the kid's ki-yi-ing enough that it gets its way all the time? What kind of kid will little Nolan-or-Mary-Jane be, at 5?

This leads me back to: "I will probably never have children". This being mostly because (as my horrible joke is titled) I think I would be an unfit mother. Added -- I am of the belief that as a mentally ill individual, I should never have biologic children. Why create a life with the high-er chance of it coming out messed up, like me?

Ho-boy.

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