June 10, 2011/Friday
- Babysat Tommy; this went well, but I was super-tired after
- Made up with an estranged friend; within the hour:
- Had my fight with Cherish, wherein she said she wanted a month's sabbatical from me
- Cherish came back within the hour and regaled me with horror tales of my bad behavior
- I cried like a sissy bitch for hours and pulled the 'why me' mentality
- Was devastated by the possibility of losing Cherish, who stands as about the only friend who knows me, inside/out and still puts up with my crap
- I had this realization that I force Cherish in to filling multiple roles in my life because no one else does; promptly worried about losing that
- Realized all over that my family doesn't want much to do with me, and my social life afk was going to hell
- Started thinking I should stop telling people about my issues; dreaded finding more interesting material to fill that with
- Tranq'd myself with sleeping pills when I gave up on facing my issues
June 11, 2011/Saturday
- Went to my mom's, despite feeling like I should isolate myself
- Spent a lot of the day trying to get out of the midpoint between sleep/awake
June 12, 2011/Sunday
-Spent a mostly nice day talking to my mom and brother
June 13, 2011/Monday
- Slept poorly.
- Tommy was in a shitty mood, so we both suffered
June 14, 2011/Tuesday
- Tommy was better mood
- Ranted like a motherfucker online about my issues
- Was generally lazy and depressive at home
June 15, 2011/Wednesday
- Tranq'd myself down around 4 AM; woke up around 4 PM
- Ranted to more people about my issues
- Vancouver rioted; it was stupid, and all my MSN contacts talked about it for hours
- Started to get bummed around 11 PM.
June 16, 2011/Thursday
- 1:45 AM -- Cherish started explaining my melatonin-induced assholery, but she kept screwing around and telling me about how evil I was in 2006, so I kept thinking it was a recent set of behaviors.
- We spent a long time repeating things: maybe we shouldn't be friends, Kristy's an ass/no she's not, am I trans
- I spend a long time fretting that I'm blacking out and being an asshole; I don't remember a lot of what Cherish says I said -- I had this issue as a kid, really bad. Cherish thinks I have another personality for about 30 minutes. I keep saying people would have noticed by now.
- I cycle through depression, hopelessness, and anger at myself. This was about the worst part of the night. I think I was panicking, too.
- 4:40 AM -- We finally establish that 2006 isn't the issue; the issue is my bad memory coupled with melatonin irritablity
- 5:35 -- We finally establish a point to the 2006 comparison: she avoided me lately because was as bad (on 2 1/2 weeks of melatonin) as I was in 2006, BUT aside from that I've been really good this year
- We start theorizing about why my memory sucks. Google indicates it's prolly my antidepressant. I start thinking I need help, so I phone my shrink, hoping to lure her in to an appointment
- 5:45 -- I find a copy of the type of therapy book I need http://www.abebooks.com/products/isbn/9781583918586; I spend the next couple hours on a happy high of relief
- 7:30?-9:00 I dick with the camera and Facebook
Despite the write-up, Thursday morning was a rollercoaster.
