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At this stage,
I have found the MIA friend..

She will be safe and sound where she is for now. It's comforting at least to know that I can find her.

Things are continuing to go fairly well in my relationship, often I sit there and wonder how I got so lucky. I try not to take for granted the fact that this guy I'm with is likely the good one of the decade. I've mentioned probably before my unusual belief in patterns: and if I have not it's not like they won't come up at some point. Most of my rational side tells me this is just a product of my mental illness.

Point being, my boyfriend is a rather exceptionally great guy sometimes. I can't fathom anyone else putting up with me the way he does. I don't know too many people who could tolerate me, let alone love me for who I am. So when I see this guy in my life who tolerates the fact that I change bodyshape and hairstyle often a few months at a time.. it's nice to see someone who isn't fixed on my ultimate physical appearance. Especially being that I don't seem to look the same at all times. I'm able to repeat phases occasionally but not entirely.

As per usual I found myself a guy who comes from what I would almost consider the uptown crust. As much as I like this guy I can't help but feel like the tramp from across the tracks.. the little ruffian that just finds the prince. Not like he lives an uber crusty life himself, more like he just happens to come from that kind of a background; he does live up a hill and thus he does get the nickname of being my "Uptown Boy".

This particular fella has been in my life since 2017, but we've been dating officially since 2019.

I find myself spiraling into an online shopping addiction that isn't exactly thrilling or fulfilling my life in some sectors. In other words it's like having Christmas twice a week. sometimes I've gotten a few things that have ended up really changing my art life. I've gotten a couple of books that have really changed the dynamics of what I do. I'm trying to prep for a stupid show that I'm starting to get doubts about. I'm always trying to do something to entertain others without so much of a reflection of a profit to myself. I seem to always be seeking some kind of attention that doesn't draw actual monetary gain. It's not that I'm looking to volunteer my time; it seems to be more that I care more to be an underground figure and less about being an actually successful big-time type. I'm not sure what it is about actual success that is bothering me now; financial gain doesn't exactly thrill me, because as a hoarder.. when you consider the idea of more money, if you're in my situation and you're comfortably well off with the amount of b******* you own.. the idea of even more money just kind of puts the idea of maybe I'll just get a bigger house and put more b******* in it. I don't think I need more, I just seem to need to be better at what I do. I'm much more concerned with putting out something that is good, rather than something that is of note to the public. I actually seem rather scared of being popular. This is not something I suffered from as a younger person, as I age I start to convince myself that I should probably not be in the public eye.

And yet here I am someone constantly looking for some kind of attention that fulfills whatever it is I am lacking in my life. I feel like there is that hole they talk about.. only for me I don't see it being filled by things like religion, biological children obviously are out of the question; marriage is never really been something that sounds like a great idea to me. As I get older the ramifications of making myself an isolated character do kind of pose the question of "What the f*** do I do with my life?"

It's not just things like covid that make me realize I really need things like education. It's not that I ever didn't think I should I should have an education, or even sometimes that I don't deserve one; the fact of the matter is I'm not exactly the richest m*********** in the world, and this has led to a lot of Financial pay walls that have held me back. This week for the first time in so long, a friend of mine paid for a $50 education that could probably put me ahead quite a bit with the sign language division. I haven't actually had anyone put forth any kind of help for an education in a while; the closest thing to this had been begging an aunt, and being turned down on the factor of nothing I ever want to pursue educationally ever comes to money for me. There is also a $500 music class that I've been wanting to take, if I feel more brave after taking this online class.. depending on if it's succeeds or not maybe I will try asking around my friends and relatives to bring up the capital to do this. I figure if I'm going to do something with my life I might as well start before I get wrapped up in this phase of doing nothing in particular with my life still. If I can Ram it with a bunch of education for me/entertainment for anyone who gives a s*** about my work.. anything that keeps me doing stuff is really anything that keeps me alive: anyone who knows me knows I am not someone who handles boredom very well.

As we speak I should probably actually be doing some of these lessons. I stalled out on the first homework piece.. I'm beefing myself back up to reviewing the material before I give the homework a stab. 📜✍️✍️✍️

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Circa 2010