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I find myself here, yet again..

So we find myself in the middle of nothing particularly interesting today. There's a really good chance most of my plans are already cancelled in advance.. The most pressing event of the day is putting away 6 months worth of VHS in a monster shelf.

There are a few things I am waiting on: I am waiting for my nails to be long enough to do this Thursday; I'm waiting for my boyfriend who hasn't been down here for a little bit.. not that long just a little bit; I'm waiting for energy that never seems to appear… I don't seem to have enough patience for everything I need to be doing.

I am also waiting on getting some boots, with my mom. She hasn't been feeling well lately so that's been kind of a pain in the keester to get going. I don't exactly want her breaking just because we went out looking for something I should have been able to cover myself.

I also In the middle of waiting for Wednesday, I see my dad that day presumably to celebrate my birthday and accept the coat that he might have for me . I don't always know what to do with circumstances with my dad, We haven't been close for several years by this point. It was an awkward situation, because I had to ask both parents for different parts of my Winter clothing.. Because the government established some kind of loophole to kick me out of being able to get free clothing when I needed the most. Apparently you need to be locked the f****** to be worthy of clothing so I don't know?

Part of what bothers me about this is I am going to be 32 this year. As one Podcast put it I am still having to deal with loans from the bank of mom and dad. And t bank system has a finite limit and only so many years left in its functioning. I am terrified at the idea what happens to me when there both gone. . Seeing as I haven't exactly been the most functional adult ever.

Growing up and growing older is starting to look like one of 2 things: Life in which I get a little bit more steady and independent; And a life in which I am stuck in some kind of semi-supervised group home. The second option seems like nothing I want.. it seems like the kind of thing I've been running away from my entire f****** life. I want nothing to do with group homes and I have said as much to any of the workers who have ever brought it up to me which there are a few.

You will have to pardon the nature of the way this is being phrased and typed.. I'm only correcting speech to text on occasion because sometimes it says stuff that makes this just not make sense enough that I can't look at it without cringing.

I'm not even sure what my adversion to typing is lately.. I already know that I don't like thumb texting.. my logic behind that is it reminds me of feeling like carpal tunnel. I like keyboards because my fingers are more adapted to that method. I feel like I'm falling behind in some senses because I've only been doing things like the speech to text for about a year. But this is mostly because they didn't understand me up till about a year ago. I have a monotone; this makes any version of English not quite understand what the f*** I'm up to.

I also wanted to drop a little line somewhere in the middle of this to say: I thought a lot about my friends here, and I sure miss you guys so much.. time space and life stuff has kept us all apart and I genuinely Miss the community here.. I wish I had more attention span to spread around all my little internet Oasis-es

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Circa 2010