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I'm obviously not going to add every single like page right away to the list of entries I will be doing today. Well.. even if it is today, it's not going to be at this exact moment.

at this actual moment I'm more in the mood to listen to some crime shows sit back and snore. I'm still too lazy to type so I'm using speech to text of course.. which is destroying all sense of my grammar or punctuation etc...it makes me want to fidget and squirm more but I just need to get this out and I don't want to pick at this very much...

I keep getting asked even by chatbots if I would rather work in one job for the rest of my life or work a bunch of random ones. Frankly I don't understand why people who are my age and slightly younger don't really understand that is the trend of the world right now. My mother had to be retrained at least six times in her careers. I have a similar expectation for my own life. careers don't last as long as they used to anymore it's just a fact of life. And even so even if they did it's not that I would like one career forever.. to me that sounds very very very very boring..!

I noticed speaking of crime shows, they're actually is and a random proportion of women who watch crime shows while knitting or crocheting some kind of craft anyway.. I used to think I was weird for doing this but then it's been raised in a lot of podcasts and stuff. so I'm getting the feeling that women listening to violent things while doing passive things for some reason is our thing? Is this what we do to learn survival? Learn how to make stuff in case of the Apocalypse while still learning to avoid and watch for serial killers I guess?

I get both a calming in a paranoia effect from watching crime shows. I'm both terrified because I am the subject of the statistical stereotypical person who dies in the show. So I imagine the paranoia is that I'm constantly watching things to teach me how to avoid ending up like the people I see in the shows that I seem to be watching and some sort of preparatory situation.I will also admit that the voices they picked for the hosts often tend to be almost ASMR and quality so I often go to sleep to these. I will eat during these like for some reason I'm just a barbaric creature..??

This is going to be a stressful New year, lots going on.. just helping to survive with my sanity intact and my body not locked in a psych ward. I would definitely admit to a very high level of anxiety about the idea of my cycle coming to a head this year. I feel emotionally still too damaged to go back. my aunt finally has come around to believing me that those places are no good for anyone.. it took until one of her friends was captured and wrote an article before she finally believe what a nightmare they are in there.

I think the way I'd describe how I plan and think of things is best phrased by Outkast: "You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather". (Also: "be prepared", though I was never a scout. Just an owner of The Renaissance era Lion King...)

I'm trying to think of a way to apply the weather statement to how I would ever get out of a psych ward. They are built to keep you inside and they are intense to try to get out of. the people in there often don't have bedside manner will provoke you into acting out so they can keep you longer. most people would probably be able to keep their cool in this situation if it weren't for the fact that they're taking copious amount of drugs between three and five times a day.

One of the last times I was dragged in I wrote a note for myself and I hid it .. i tried to give myself a hand about how to get out of that hellhole but alas I did not find it at the time I needed to.

I'll probably be talking about this Non-Stop but my last trip to the psych ward was extra horrible. No one seems to understand how close I was death. I am only here because of a lawyer. Most of those cases lose.. there's a nine out of ten chance you're going to lose. I've done three trials in 4 years & I won 1. If not for a very particular lawyer who saved my life I would not be here to complain about my life.

One of my goals for this year's to write that man on a thank you letter the problem is even now I'm getting choked up almost crying thinking about the extreme gratitude I hold for him saving me. I don't understand how my mother of all people doesn't believe how close I was to dying. I guess it doesn't matter how emotional I get for someone who doesn't actually have a lot of emotional range in their voice.. it turns out no One believes me no matter how I go about it.

I know I'm stressing out over a lot of little things but that is the thing there's a lot it's not just one or two it's like a range of like 10 things and I'm sitting here wondering very deeply about how much more I can take with the low-energy I have?

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